right now, i just want to fit in

angsty teenager thoughts, or whatever the fuck this is. and yeah, i know you’re going to laugh. but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to feel like this.

and i’ll try to be honest with you, okay? right now, i do not need anything else to worry about. i don’t need to second-guess my outfit to the point of panic, or shrink into the walls, because someone’s going to hurt me, and i just know it. and it’s stupid, and cliche, but if it means i don’t have to be this afraid, i want to be normal. even for a day.

because i hate this, enough to claw off my skin. hate my fucked up mind. hate that i’m human. and i’m just a kid, and no matter how hard i try there’s still no avoiding that. 

and you know, sometimes i think i don’t even know what it’s like to like myself. and i’m still not over it. even though goddamnit, you were so little. you know you should be over it.

because forgive and forget. because close your eyes, and wipe away the scars of what you’ve been through like the morning frost on your windshield. you shouldn’t have been so weak as to let it get to you. 

and yet here you are again. spinning through the same thought cycle as always, pounding at the glass, begging for rescue and never getting it. and here i go. here i go. here i go again.

I get really anxious around other kids my age, I guess. Of late, even going to school a couple days a week (it’s complicated, I’m not a truant I promise, I’m just semi-homeschooled) has been really hard for me.

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One thought on “right now, i just want to fit in

  1. JBosh

    You are such a talented writer! I feel that if my son could have written this, he would have. What you kids have to go through in school sickens me! I hoped that by now I could say times have changed, but that would be a lie. Technology is very isolating, and kids are mean. Please know that you are not alone! Please know that I care! Keep writing and never give up, young man. You have a very bright future ahead of you as a writer.

    Liked by 1 person

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