are you proud of me?

are you proud of me? i’m sorry if i messed up. i know things have been rough lately. 

are you proud of me? do you still love me? did i do something wrong? i just need to know for sure. i don’t know who i am if someone else doesn’t approve of me.

so are you proud of me? is there anything i could have done better? thank you so much for even breathing in my presence, because i’m so terrified of being indebted to anybody.

are you proud of me? i’m sorry for using big words to talk about my problems, i just don’t know how else to communicate them, honestly.

are you proud of me? for growing as a person, and for having the mental stability to brush my hair and pick out a different outfit than yesterday? for not breaking down in the middle of class, and maintaining a steady social life, and telling my therapist that everything’s all right. when it’s not all right. but i have to say something, so… i guess that’s it. fine.

are you proud of me? for falling apart on the bathroom floor when no one’s watching, whispering apologies to the mirror.

over and over and over and over

Approval is really hard for me. I think with mental health, very few things are black and white. There’s a healthy degree of validation people need… and then there’s a point where your primary source of love, validation, encouragement isn’t inside you, it’s on the outside–and the problem with that is that that can be taken away from you at any time. Other people’s compliments, love, acceptance–we need it. I think having outside support is a lot more important, at least for me, than the world makes it out to be. But we also need to know that we can hold that love inside us. We need to be able to keep it going, even when there’s no one to support that–I don’t know, or maybe that’s wrong. I’m honestly a bit of a mess right now, so probably not the best person to give advice about this topic and all of these musings could very easily be wrong. 

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2 thoughts on “are you proud of me?

  1. enchantingsunrise

    I think we all need to be proud of ourselves for who we are because that’s where healing starts.
    I think this writeup is amazing, the best I have read here.

    Liked by 1 person

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