just a warning–even though his doesn’t talk about suicide or self-harm, this is gonna get pretty heavy. please be safe while reading, and if you need to talk to anyone, click here.

there’s a void in my stomach i’ve been meaning to tell you about for a long time, i guess. and by a void in my stomach, i mean on the bad days it just feels like i’m about to collapse into nothingness. and i don’t remember whether or not it used to be like this. but maybe it doesn’t matter, because it’s all happening too fast to process. so i don’t know, okay? you tell me what this is. because lately, there’s another kind of monster in my head. and honestly, what the hell am i supposed to do with this? with this? with this?  and i try to laugh, but there’s nothing i know that can dissolve it. and i try to write, but this pit is bottomless. try to find a new norm, but i don’t know what that is. because everything is changing. everything is changing. and every day, i lose something new. and i just want something from my past to hold on to. something safe. something solid. something that isn’t going to leave mid-moment. because there’s a monster in my head, and a hole in my heart, and a void in my stomach. and i can’t even handle being near another human being at the moment. you know that? know that i’m just a person. and i go home. and i cry. just like everyone else does. and i beg, and i barter, and i try to deny. try not to look oblivion straight in the eye. but it’s always there. in the back of my head.

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