trigger warning: self-harm

and my heart pounds in my chest like the world’s gonna end. and for some reason, i feel like throwing up. and i want to cut myself. and i want to explode, but i can’t say no. because it’ll never be as good as it was. and because i will never be as good as i was. because i will never rise up, like i’ve always dreamed of being able to rise up. and good god, can you just try to act something like an immature grown-up? because there’s no time to be confused. even though the world is turning black and white. and i won’t let myself go to sleep until midnight. and i’m drifting out of my skin. because i’m not in control. because who said i was ever in control? and i want to scream, but there’s no room in this world for my voice right now. and the moonlight screeches through the window, and the world turns black and white. and for a moment, i forget everything i’ve ever wanted. everything i’ve ever stood for. and i stand in front of the mirror… and i don’t even know who this person is anymore.

i wrote this at just after midnight on a really, really bad day a couple weeks ago. i’m not sure, but things feel like they might be getting a little better now. anyway, this deals with some heavy stuff, so just in case you need it–find a crisis line in your area here.

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