bird in october

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

i want to be a bird in october. i want to dip, and dive, and laugh my way through the sky. i want to be free of all this. i want to be made of light. and i want to hold your hand, and laugh, and cry, and does that mean the only way to be happy is to die? which is stupid, because the only way to be happy is not to die. and for the last time: dear me, suicide is the opposite of a solution to your problems, all right? i want to be a bird in october. i want to be crisp air, and red leaves, and the sky melting on your shoulders. or a skating rink, when they put christmas lights up in winter, and we go around and around and around in circles until nothing matters anymore. i want to be free. of all of this. of the heavy weight of sleep-deprivation and self-hatred constantly chasing each other around in my chest. i want to remember what it felt like, that time we stayed up so late looking at the stars, bathing in the cold air and the distant city lights. i want to fly and not feel the weight of my history like a deadweight, constantly right here behind me. i want to laugh and not be doing it out of anxiety. i just… i want to be happy

if you need to talk to anyone about what you’re going through, no matter how large or small it is, find a crisis line in your area here. self-harm or suicide are never the answers even if it might seem that way. please hang in there.

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