and i watch you fall. yet again. and even instagram filters can’t make your situation look any prettier. because nothing will ever make it prettier. because… it’s nothing. i mean. whatever. just another year spent in suffering. just another mind went crazy in this fucked up society. as i watch you fall into oblivion, but only from a distance. because i don’t know how to be near this. and because i’m tired. and because my mind is about to explode. and i don’t know. and right now, i can’t handle this. and i’m sorry about that. i’m sorry that i don’t know who you are. i’m sorry i’m always tired. i’m sorry i can’t carry anything else on my shoulders. and i’m sorry this is happening to you. i’m sorry this is happening to all of you. and i’m sorry i can’t take the pain away; can’t lift it up off all of your shoulders, and carry it for a while so you get a break, even if only for a day. i’m sorry i never knew you. i’m sorry you weren’t a happy person. i’m sorry it all ended up this way. and i’m sorry we’re all standing at the edge of the bathtub watching the water slowly circle down the drain. and watching the last fragments of you slowly circle down the drain. and trying our best to avoid the moment when i can’t help but imagine myself just like you, someday.

my grandmother has dementia. occasionally, i’ll write a poem about it as a way of trying to process it. i won’t pretend to understand fully what she’s going through, what it must be like to be the primary caregiver for someone with this illness. i’ve always been the outside perspective, because i never really knew my grandmother that well growing up. the one who saw things logically before they saw things emotionally. it’s not so much a stabbing grief, as a slow, vague sadness that even now, i don’t really know how to process. that’s a simple explanation of what this poem is about, but… i think it’s about more than that to me. it’s about suffering, and illness, and… not knowing what to do about it. i don’t know if anyone will even relate to this, but i just wanted to shove it out there anyway.

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