a night with no stars

because it’s foggy, now. and every time i go out, it’s freezing cold, and i don’t remember when the sky fell. and i don’t get it. where my mental illness starts, and where i end. and where my mental illness ends me, and where i end it. and if i can ever really end it. and if i can ever really think like a normal person, or something like that. and i am a puppet. and i can’t breathe. and it’s foggy, and you’ve never felt further away from me. and so i try to run away but the dark just sort of keeps following me, and if i’m being honest some days i don’t want to bother fighting it. because i can’t even see the sky above me. can’t fucking stop taking myself so seriously. and making mountains out of molehills, and somethings out of nothings. because that’s pretty much what it means to have anxiety. and so i’ll call myself anxiety so i can look into the mirror and not have to see myself anymore. and you’ll find me lying there on the floor. begging for help as my ribcage starts to crumple and my soul catches fire. even though i have all the help i ever could have asked for. even though i know no one can save me from myself. but i can’t feel my chest. and my hands have gone numb. and it’s so cold out. and i don’t know how to do that. and i don’t know who the old me was. and i don’t know if she could have handled this or not. but i can’t see myself in her anymore.

a sort-of sequel poem to “a night spent looking at the stars.” (which you can read by clicking here.) because… i don’t know. i use that line a lot in this poem, because it reslly represents where i’m at right now. i thought i was doing better. i really thought i was doing better. i thought i was going to be all right, for a while. i don’t know what it is exactly, but i don’t feel that way anymore. just in case you need it, my mental health resources post is here.

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