september 11th, 2019

trigger warning: implied suicidal thoughts. if you need help for whatever you’re going through, find a crisis line in your area here.

i am an alien. floating through my own skin. and i’ll try to breathe, but maybe there’s no gravity because somehow my lungs just refuse to suck in. and maybe there’s no gravity, but i need you to hold your ground. and i need you to write happy things for once. i need you to not be so worried about what other people think for once. and i need you to just try. try to be all right. except i know perfectly well that you won’t and so watch me. as i crash onto the ground. and as i still can’t breathe. and as the music echoes through my headphones, but i’ll never let it out of me. and i’ll never let you let go of me. and the pressure of the moment builds before it explodes inside of me. and it’s all inside of me. and my brain is really just another organ, right? another war waged inside of me. another day spent counting all the reasons i should just die already inside of me. and i can’t stop crying on the driveway, blood-spattered emotions for everyone to see, and feel free to think whatever the hell they want to think of me. and tear me to pieces, and leave me parked right in front of my endless pile of scars and sad poetry. and you’ll tell me how much i disgust you for the thousandth time. and i will believe everything.

school–just dealing with being in a building with other kids my age–is really hard for me. in so many ways, that i don’t know how to completely explain. i wrote this on september 11th, 2019–because titling poems is really hard for me of late for some reason–and just edited it recently.

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