i remember

i remember you. i remember bookshops and tea at midnight, and that the first time i used a debit card it was with you. i remember you. because maybe if i just focus hard enough on other people’s issues, i won’t have to remember that i have them too. i remember you. because maybe if i can hold you close enough in my mind, you won’t leave me. like they always said you’d leave me. because i’m nothing without the words i’ve spent half my life having drilled into me. and i remember you. who gave me love where i expected hate. who made me smile, and laugh. and feel safe. and i remember you, because i never tell you, how terrified i am of losing you. or hurting you. or being abandoned, like they always said i’d be by you. and i just never thought someone could know about the monsters in my chest and still want to be there. by my side. as my friend. because i remember the nights, when i look in the mirror, and it doesn’t even feel like i’m in there. and so i will remember the second when i realized that you have monsters too. and maybe i don’t have to be afraid anymore. maybe the past can be the past. maybe the past doesn’t have to be the future. and maybe we don’t have to be the losers, or the outcasts, or the victims anymore. and maybe we’re more than what anyone else ever bargained for. and maybe someday, we will write stories on blank pages, and we won’t need to make jigsaw puzzles out of our broken pieces. and the past will be the past. and the future will be the future.

i feel like this has a really terrible title, or at least a mildly uncreative one, but i’m just going to quietly ignore that until i can think of a better one.

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