autumn is here and i was not ready for this

it rained, today. and i wore flats. and pretended i knew what i was doing, and tried my best to laugh at absolutely nothing. tried to pose for a camera in the back of my head that’s never even coming. and it rained, today. and the clouds felt exactly like the monsters in my brain. and they’ll howl like they’re hungry, and laugh like they hate me, and giggle like this time they’re coming for me. and you’re standing in front of me, and i swear i do not know for the life of me what i’m supposed to tell you. because i have to make it all better. because i have to bridge the gap. bridge the gap, like i always bridge the gap. even if i have to sacrifice myself for it. even though the world isn’t ending, and i know it’s just in my head. these storm clouds are just in my head. these fists pounding at the door are just in my head. and this heavy feeling is just in my head. and i want to collapse onto the ground and sob my eyes out, but it’s all just in my head. and it’s just one massive game of pretend, pretend, pretend…  and maybe i can numb my way out of feeling emotion… and maybe in the morning, the world won’t come to an end…

i don’t know what’s happening, but everything is just so difficult of late. i don’t really know why. i’m trying to fight through it, but… it’s difficult. yeah.

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