august 29th, 2019

because i need to make up my mind eventually, right? and that means it has to make sense eventually, right? even though no matter how hard i try, i still can’t figure out how to make all the pieces align. because of my stupid, anxious mind. and maybe you’ll roll your eyes, and call me a teenager, when after a week of not seeing you it feels like the entire world is over. or maybe you’ll tell me i’m a moron for not being sure. and if my gut instinct says two things at once, how am i supposed to tell you what i decide? and if i scream up at the clouds like a maniac, maybe everything will stop for a moment. and maybe then i’ll finally be able to tell the difference between wrong and right. because i can’t sleep, and  i can’t breathe, and my mind is made of origami paper, and i’ll laugh like everything’s fine, as you unintentionally crush me between your fingers. even though i can’t even think without my thoughts crashing into each other. because i don’t know, okay? i don’t know what the truth is anymore.

big decisions are always really rough for me. and confusion. honestly, confusion is one of  the most underrated negative emotions. i don’t know if a lot of people with anxiety go through this–but sometimes it feels like follows me everywhere. when i was eleven was the first time i remember feeling really confused, i think. i have this really distinct memory: it was, november or december, dark and stormy outside. my class was having a discussion about charles darwin. and i wanted to make a joke, because i wanted people to like me. but then i realized not everyone would like me if i made a joke. and some people would like me more if i was myself–but if who i was was constantly influenced by what other people wanted, who was that? what was an identity anyway? in the big picture, what did it matter what i wanted for myself–there were more of other people than there were of me, and so therefore if more people wanted me to act a certain way shouldn’t that have a bigger impact than what i thought of myself?

and i still remember that feeling–like you’re standing out there all alone in the middle of a blizzard, and you open your mouth to call out, but every time you try, nothing comes out. it’s gotten better, obviously–i have a lot stronger of a sense of identity than i did back then. and most of the time, i’m fine. but confusion definitely still impacts me.

keywords: poetry blogs, poetry blog sites, poetry blog wordpress, poetry blog websites, poetry on a blog, anonymous poetry blog, poetry blogs best, contemporary poetry blog, deep poetry blog, poetry blogs free, poetry blog sites free, poetry blog on wordpress, original poetry blog, poetry writing blog, poetry writers blog, poetry creative writing blog, mental health and poetry, poetry on mental health, writing poetry mental health, young female poets, young living poets, young modern poets, upcoming young poets, young writers high school, young writers in the world, young writers online, young writers of canada, young writers of canada 2019, young writers poetry, young writers quotes, young writers 2019

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s