and i will not know who i am without my self-hatred

trigger warning: self-harm. if you need to talk to anyone, no matter what you’re going through, find a helpline in your area here.

just let me explain, okay? because if  i explain, maybe you’ll forgive me for hitting myself early in the morning behind buildings because i just couldn’t take it anymore. and because i just feel like tearing myself apart. and because the feeling, of doubling over, and the gravel beneath my feet, and the tears, and the wind rushing over my shattered cheeks…. and i just hate everything about myself so much today. and because i don’t know who i am. and because… it’s just all too much, i guess. right now. and i will try to breathe in the pain. not because i like it. because… it’s the only time i feel numb, to be honest.  numb to the fact that it’s 1a.m. as i write this, and i don’t know who i am, and  i’m spinning out of control, and self harm is still a black hole. and i’ll claw my way out, but no matter how far away i try to walk from it, there are still days when i feel its pull. and i know this is bullshit, but every day i still buy it. so why am i still here? why am i hiding behind a building, punching myself like that will actually make anything go away or something? and why do i hate myself so much, and love myself so much, and why is everything like this, and why are my feelings like this, and why am i such a fucking mess, and is there ever going to come a day when i will not feel like this–

the last couple weeks have been rough. really rough. i don’t know why exactly, i’m just… a mess. i hope it gets better soon, because it’s starting to feel paralyzing. having to constantly feel like this. if you’re going through the same thing, please reach out. there is help, and you are worthy of it. i’m rooting for you.

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