on trying to figure out my real personality

trigger warning: self-harm

a thousand stillborn faces flickering through me. and i’m standing at the edge of oblivion, and i still can’t breathe. and i still can’t figure out what you want me to be. and i will beg you to love me. and you will walk past me. and i swear i am trying to stand up, but one word is all it takes to collapse me. and i am floating in a vacuum. and i am successful. and the second i fail, my mistakes will become sinkholes. and where… is… my… soul… and i will close my eyes, and try to bask in the sunlight. try to melt my worries like stubborn shards of black ice. and i’m numb inside. and have you ever wondered what it would be like to try and walk across the universe in a single night? because that’s me. because i am drifting through this rainstorm of a personality, and all i want is for someone to just keep their promise when they say they’ll never leave me. and i will mold myself to your eyes, and beg you for the moment when finally, finally you’ll be satisfied. because it just feels like i’m starving sometimes. all like skin and bones; a tent meant for summer that’s been left out in the snow. and screaming, and crying, in a bedroom with this stupid disease that can make anything feel like all alone. and i’m handing you this mess of a heart without makeup on, and not being able to breathe. and still not being entirely sure you’re not about to leave.

i wrote this piece a long time ago–last may, or something along those lines, and only stumbled on it and decided to post it (after HEAVY editing, this was a nightmare to rework), since even though i wrote it a while ago, the topics it covers really still resonate with me. so… i hope this one resonates with you too, and if it does, please drop me a comment, leave a like, or tell me about it by emailing me at goldfishandthemicrophone@gmail.com, getting feedback means the world to me. 🙂

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