another silent monday night mostly just spent running from my mind

because as we previously established, live radio is the only known cure for the endless ache of my loneliness. and because if you clean your room for the first time in years, and try your hardest not to think about the future, and learn how to make a latte, and read the better half of harry potter and the goblet of fire, maybe that will somehow make this easier. and if you count to ten, maybe you’ll stop feeling what you feel. maybe nothing will be real. and is that really too much to ask? because sometimes, the weight of the memory slams into me, and i am collapsing under the weight of all… these… feelings. because i just keep tracing back my history, trying to find the one moment when all of this started. and i’ll try to plot it on a map and chart it. but… i never can figure it out. when the first fissure hit my skull. when everything kind of… fell apart. a little bit. or maybe i’m just being silly about this. just telling myself pretty stories to fill the void in my chest. and maybe the fairytales i made up in my head were only ever supposed to act as substitutes for real friends. and maybe i will always feel alone, even now i do have real friends. and so i will clean out my room, and schedule instagram posts, or some other relatively pointless task. as the wind whistles through my head. as the fault lines clatter through my head. as the night wears on. and i am one massive, eroding riverbed. and no matter how much i try to run from it… i don’t know if i’ll ever escape that.

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