it is 12a.m. and i do not sleep

it is 12a.m. and i don’t want to know whether anxiety and self-hatred are hereditary. and maybe the reason i hate mirrors so much is because every time i look in one, i see the broken shards of you nestled deep down inside me. and  because maybe the fact that people i have never met still affect me is the single most terrifying sentence anyone ever could have said to me.  it is 12a.m. and if you’re willing to burn to get what you need, what’s the difference between who you are and who you want to be? it is 12a.m., and my fingers sleepwalk into the keys, only everything i write feels ugly to me. it is 12a.m. and i melt my eyes closed. it is 12a.m. and the thoughts race through me, but only when the light goes out, and if the light never goes out, my thoughts will never come for me. and i will never call myself weak. will never have to  face whatever messed up shit my brain comes up with, the moment i fall asleep. it is 12a.m. and i don’t want to be tomorrow. i don’t want to be out of control. i don’t want to be cold. and i don’t want to know. i don’t want to know what i did right, and what i did wrong. i don’t want to know that the world is falling apart. i don’t want to know i’m not good enough to stop it. i don’t want to fucking know. so it is 12a.m., and the darkness presses in as my eyes slam closed.

this poem is about a lot of things, but one of those things is my family’s history of mental health issues. it’s something i think about a lot, and something that’s really affected me. i don’t know what i’ll do with this piece, or if i’ll even do anything with it beyond posting it here, but here you go anyway.  if  you liked this poem, consider reading the rest of my work, giving me a follow, liking this post, or leaving a comment, if you have the time. thanks for reading! 🙂

and if you need to talk to anyone, click on the word here to find a crisis line in your area.

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