on writing a novel when you have no idea what you’re doing right now

on writing a novel when you have no idea what you're doing right now(1)

so i stack up words like i’m building a castle, trying to turn the wifi off. right. now. because i’m writing a novel, goddamnit. i’m writing a novel and it should be beautiful. i’m writing a novel and it should be perfect. i’m hanging out with friends and it should be perfect. i’m writing poetry and it should be perfect. and so i pour my heart into some lava and make it all a mess and maybe then it’ll leave me forever now. and it’ll be perfect. and it’ll all be over and i will breathe easily please. just. love me. and i’m standing here. in the middle of the pages and i’m screaming out calling for someone to help me. and so i stack words like a castle and nestle them around me and then maybe maybe maybe, i’ll finally feel like i have some company. and i’ll shape them, slowly. post-it-note castles. food dye. mess on the counter. paper mache. and so i try. and so i don’t try. because i’m tired, and i’m busy and i can’t handle the weight of these words in my mind. these words, that refuse to let go of my insides. and i’m walking around, with a blindfold on. and i hope that when i fall, i’ll be able to pick myself up. and i hope that when i fall, i’ll be able to climb back up. and hope that there’s something that will come out of this. hope my head is the kind of garbage dump that despite all the shit it’s been put through is still somehow capable of producing the most beautiful gardens. and so i paint pictures in my head, and try to bend them into something that makes sense.

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