on the days when it really feels like the world is ending

on the days when it really feels like the world is ending(1)

trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal thoughts

because today i had to take two ice-cold showers i felt so dizzy. and i’m still not entirely sure if it was because of the heat or because of my anxiety. and because yesterday i was up until 1a.m. imagining what it would feel like to cut myself open and laugh as the pain rips through me. and so tonight i lie awake, staring at the ceiling, and it’s fine when the lights are on but the second they go off everything slowly starts collapsing. because i just want to sleep. i just want to be ok. and i don’t know how long this will last. i don’t know if this is weeks or a day. i don’t know, and it just feels… so… heavy. and i don’t know how to handle the way the days stack together like dominoes because we train wrecks probably qualify as birds of a feather or something. and late at night, i like to go insane inside, collapsing a little more every night. and i have to be perfect, right? and i have to be brilliant, right? and i have to snap all the broken glass shards together and do it somehow without bleeding. somehow, without screaming. because today, i felt so nauseous i was about to pass out and maybe that isn’t really a stretch of the imagination anyway. and maybe i just don’t know what i’m doing. and maybe i don’t know where all my broken pieces are supposed to fit in this tired body; full of imperfections and i’m just so fucking tired of not knowing what’s even happening. and i’m sorry for all the times i’ve lied, okay? i’m sorry for all the times i fucked up and made mistakes and didn’t tell anyone that i wasn’t all right. i’m sorry for all of this mess, scattered around us. i’m sorry if i can’t fix it. i’m sorry if the world i live in is a fucking mess. i’m sorry if i’m walking into the lion’s den, kind of like an idiot. i’m sorry, okay? i’m sorry i’m not perfect.

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