trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
apparently, i’m an emotional eater. which means that when i feel the small empty hollow of my throat carve itself out into something like the worst thing i’ve ever known… i mistake it for being hungry. which means that i feel safer when i’m eating. which means i’m scared of being hungry. like your chest vacuuming itself empty. or like your ribs snapping themselves into pieces and the hollows of my chest collapsing begging begging begging for anything, but preferably a kiss. or like slamming your fists against your thighs, just trying to get this feeling out of me. or dissecting yourself with your bare hands like if you do it enough times, you’ll finally be able to understand how it can be possible that so many people can love you, but you can still hate yourself tonight. because emotional hunger is the bad nights. the nights when you tell me all the things that are wrong with me, and the words flicker through my head but none of them climb out of me, and if i’m never just going to function like the person i want to become, maybe it’s easier to jump, even though i don’t. emotional hunger is collapsed by a closed door, still screaming please don’t go. emotional hunger is the ghost of me, throwing my arms around you but the real me looks down at their feet and falls. slowly. emotional hunger is your eyes slipping closed and your mind being tired and maybe food is the only thing that can make you feel better and even if it’s a drug. even if it only lasts a second. even if my therapist is right when she says it doesn’t help me deal with it and that a healthy coping mechanism actually helps you deal with it it still makes you feel better. even if it only lasts a moment. and they all tell me a thousand different things. and i don’t really know what to think. but i do know that this isn’t all i’m meant to be. i do know that goddamn it, this is not all i’m meant to be. i do know that even if i can’t imagine the kind of strength it’ll take to get through this, i’ve done it before. and i can do it again if necessary.
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