trigger warning: self-harm

and i remember the day you taught me / to be normal taught me / to camouflage bend in as my skin slowly / crumpled into itself / because you are the hunter and i am the prey / as it all / collapsed and / my throat will swell under the weight of my thoughts and i / am / about / to / collapse and / i  / am / about / to / collapse / surrounded by support mechanisms i no longer trust because if you look a certain way it all / seems / like / bullshit / today / and the waves scream around me and i know i’m being dramatic it’s just / i’m so desperate / for you to love me / love me / the grey expanses of my head / screaming trapped can’t think thoughts are jamming love me / love me / love me / love me / because i’m always the giver in these kinds of relationships anyways and / i’m not good at loving people anyway / and i guess this is it / this is my apocalypse / this is the smoke rising up in the air this is the moment everything goes toxic and you realize that this is all you get / and honestly after that / you may as well / just / forget about it / this is my apocalypse / only nothing has actually happened / and i smash my personality like a castle to pieces now slowly / slowly / slowly / because i am a robot / and if i can’t fix myself i may as well just / fall / apart again / right? / may as well just punch myself again, right? may as well just crack open my throat and smash apart my eyes / until you find me there / bleeding on the floor / and i don’t know how to be anything other than romanticized mental illness / other than this story / other than this cage i can’t break free of / as i lie in bed / and i stare up at the versions of myself on the wall / and i want to cut off everything if that’ll make my mind / stop / just please / just stop / make it all stop / because i’ll give up every single bomb in my chest if you can just / make my head / shut the fuck up / because you taught me / to be normal / and i beleived that i needed to be normal / because you are the hunter / and i am the prey / and / it’s fading it’s just / slow / and i’ve never really been in my head before like this so / i don’t know, ok? i just don’t know.

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