july 20th, 2019

july 20, 2019(1)

and i guess it’s been a long time since i’ve been alone this way. since i’ve been surrounded by the sound of myself and nothing else to distract me, because automated birdsong doesn’t sound the same as the reality. and because checking your notifications twenty times a day is never enough to lift my thoughts off my chest and away, away, away. and so i’ll try to swim through all the broken pieces despite my instinct to flinch away, away, away from the evidence. and i’ll try not to feel like i’m lying through my teeth when i call myself a superhero, or a queen, or a princess, or whatever title will give me control over myself, because it’s been a long time since i’ve felt like that’s true, i guess. because i am home alone and drowning out my head to replace company because i’m tired and you’re gone and i don’t know who else to be. because i can’t handle this space in my chest, where sometimes, really late at night, the monsters like to howl. like they’re calling out for every single one of their broken pieces. like they’re calling out for you to come back. come back. come back. and tell me you love me. and tell me you won’t forget me. and tell me you need me. and tell me you’ll never leave me, but this time it’s actually true. but this time you make me laugh, and you wrap me up in blankets, and you watch movies with me in your arms, and you tell me how the fuck i’m supposed to fill up this empty space in my chest where you used to be before something about you left.

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