how to fight a feeling

how to fight(2)(1)

get pliers. and a piece of paper. and your mind is a thousand broken circuits and you read all about this in elementary school but that doesn’t mean you have any idea how to deal with it. doesn’t mean you know what to tell the weird looks and empty faces all the times it feels like they will never understand because they will never understand because. they’re different, but the kind of different that people are more likely to accept than mine, i guess. because i listen to my feelings too much and you listen to your feelings too little and i guess we’ll probably always hate each other a bit for that. hold your heart up at the operating table and wonder if any of it means anything because it’s always so complicated. because it’s always about grabbing other people’s attention before they run away because they’re always the ones to run away, and i honestly can’t even breathe when i think about this. close your eyes. apparently, there are people who get out of this. apparently, should be able to control my mental illness. picking out every single dark thought as i am at the edge of blinded, and when i cannot see, i will ask you to see for me. and i will trust you. because you promised me something, and because i believe you for the sake of my sanity. i believe you because i can’t do this alone. as much as i’d like to. as much as my heart is surrounded by barbed wire. as much as i don’t like to admit i’m bleeding because i hurt myself again because in the moment, it didn’t even seem like a bad thing. even though it is a bad thing. i just don’t know how to realize it’s a bad thing. because i don’t even think i realize the extent of which my head is broken. so i stand in the mirror. reading off a piece of paper all the things my therapist told me to remember.  and in the morning, the words feel just a little more true then they did yesterday.

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