rainy days but on the inside

rainy days but on the inside(1)

indie acoustic mental illness. and the darkness surrounding me. and i’m so sick i’m convinced i’m not sick half the time which i guess is the problem with this. and there’s a black hole in my head and it caffeine refuses to fix it. and so do the blankets, wrapped around my shoulders like i can make a cave out of my heart if i try hard enough. like i can hide away from everything that hurts and just pretend it’s ok. just pretend it’s ok. just pretend nothing is going to hurt anymore. just pretend. because they say just pretend. because instagram poetry says just pretend. because the stress smashing through my skull says just pretend. because the advice columns and vacation culture says just laugh it off and it’ll be ok, right? maybe? and sometimes i wonder if i really even have anxiety. even though i know i have anxiety. because some days i’m all right. because maybe i’m recovering, but i also feel like i’m just lying. and i also don’t know who i am without my mental illness and i know it’s probably not like it seems like it is. but the lady at the corner says you can’t sell sad poetry and i wonder if she’s right. i wonder if she’s right that it’s better. to just laugh it off and pretend it’s all right even though i know perfectly well she’s wrong. but i don’t know how to give you my heart without being afraid because honestly, i am one massive ticking time bomb, and if i can hurt myself this much maybe i am just one massive grenade waiting to go off. because the masks flicker. and change. and change, and change, and there are new expectations all over again. and if you romanticize never sleeping and spending days that feel longer than days feeling empty it’ll all be ok. it’ll be fine. i mean, whatever, right?

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