i want to self-harm and i do not

trigger warning: self-harm

i want to self-harm. i want to self-harm really fucking badly right now, if i’m being totally honest about this. and i tell my therapist that i think it helps to numb the pain out if i just focus on hating myself so much that finally, there’s something in my chest that doesn’t feel like chaos. // i am two weeks clean of self-harming and i’m scared of who i’ll be without a long list of mental disorders towering behind me. and i’m scared that this means from now on in, my story will be boring. because my head is a runaway train and maybe i’m just a fake, because some twisted part of me likes how i look in this light; falling asleep imagining slicing up my body into a thousand different microscope slides because i never thought ten pounds could bring so much hate to life. // i want to self-harm and i do not. because i’m stubborn. because i’m tired. because i don’t want to be this person. because i want to mean it when i say it’s getting better. // i want to self-harm and i clasp my hands together. and breathe in. and close my eyes. and tilt my head up. and up. and up into the night. and i’m not going to say it’s pretty. not gonna say it’s like some kind of story where it’s that easy but somewhere between shaking hands and deep breaths and fingers slamming into the keys for a moment… i’m free.

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