i cry on and off for two hours but when i’m finished nothing is better

i cry on and off for two hours but when i'm finished nothing is better(1)(1)

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, self-harm

it is the kind of day that needs a hug. the kind of day that sprinkles rain on your cheeks, and you’re on the curb after counselling, still half in the middle of crying. crying because you don’t know. crying because even after an hour of talking about it it’s confusing. crying because you want it to stop hurting. crying because you need therapy and you’re so fucking scared of where you’d be if you hadn’t gotten help. crying because where are you. crying because i need you. crying it’s cold out. crying because i love you. crying because yesterday you told me you were moving which is not really a big deal when i love you but i’m also scared you don’t care about me in the same way. crying because i don’t know. crying because i am not alone. crying because i can’t sleep, and the weight of everything just feels. so. heavy. crying because it is the kind of day where you can only half-believe you’re awake. and you don’t know how to tell anybody but last night you fell asleep imagining suicide notes and it was hard not to just beg the sky to slam your eyes closed for a while honestly. the kind of day where you just want to wrap yourself in whatever will numb the pain. the kind of day where you wrap yourself in blankets, and watch harry potter movies, and try to whisk away the monster in your head with lavender tea. and coffee. and you tell yourself you’re worthless in the mirror, waiting for the moment it sinks in because you’re just so scared no one will ever come. no one will ever stay. no one will after wrap their arms around you without being asked first. and it’s ok if we both cry, i just need someone’s arms. and someone’s hands. and someone who sounds like a best friend. because when i’m with you… i don’t want to be dead.

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