out there

out there(1)(1)

you know, when i was younger, they told me i could be a hero i just wasn’t prepared for it to feel like this. like standing in the middle of a tornado wondering how the hell you’re not falling to pieces. and when i was younger, they told me i could do big things in the world i just didn’t realize it would feel like this though. like bleeding on an open stage. like curled up in a silent room trying your goddamn hardest to concentrate. like trying, and trying, and trying to lift the darkness away but it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna ease up more than a little today.  and i wish my head wasn’t broken shards on the side of a highway, and i’m trying hard but it’s just difficult to pretend that everything is ok. because i know its just cat fucking with my head but sometimes, it feels like i’m not even that good at this. feels like this is just another way to pass through the small empty hollow of space in my chest unnoticed. and i’m standing at the edge and the wind whistles past me, and i don’t know how to get it right. get it right. get it right. as in, capture this feeling perfectly. because i’m not perfect. i’m not. which is not the same thing as worthless, i guess. but right now, the roar in my head is so. fucking. loud and at the same time so completely silent. and when you’ve been alone with yourself for so long i guess it’s hard to to fraternize with the voices in your head because even poisoned apples look beautiful right before you fall. you fall. you fall. you fall. and it all feels like it’s coming at me a mile-a-minute.  and i’m standing at the edge of a cliff, with no idea what happens next. and you’re watching. and i guess… this is it.

i wrote this right before a performance i’d spent months planning for and then finished it after, honestly just as a way of processing everything that happened. putting your feelings out in the open period is honestly really hard, but putting your feelings out into the world when you have anxiety is really hard. for the record, i did really well, and it was the first performance i’ve ever done that i didn’t have the profound desire to run for my life. which is, you know, a plus. 😉

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