imagine i am panicking


imagine i am panicking. imagine i am standing in an empty classroom. imagine i am lying still paralyzed reeling on the ground. imagine the ocean is rushing over me. imagine every wave is a tsunami. and on the inside, i am drowning. yes. i can talk through it. but the words are a sticky spiderweb in my throat ok it’s hard to explain exactly. but i swear it is there and it will continue to be. tears, like magma spilling over the edges of my cheeks, leaving only the burnt husks of a personality. now imagine that i’m drowning. imagine that i can’t even see the bottom but i know i can feel myself sinking. i’m trying to breathe, but at this point it seems easier to just ride out the feeling. imagine i am scrubbing my skin clean, and clean, and clean because all the imperfections suddenly highlight themselves and the whole world disgusts me. every day there’s a rock concert in my mind and anxiety is a smoke alarm and i’ve cried wolf on myself way too many times. and i am just sort of standing there, and the music of my thoughts seems to jerk my heartbeat out of my chest. like life is a test, and i do not want to study for it because if i do not study for it, it won’t exist. imagine, that there is blackness, rising up from the ground to meet me. and suddenly everything is too much for me. imagine i am standing before a crowd of people only i can’t breathe, and i can’t think. why i am like this why am i so fucked up why am i a ticking time bomb waiting to go off why am i a collision of wrecked pieces my mind pouncing on every open wound every stressful situation ingraining itself into my skin and why is it so difficult to breathe. imagine i am a star, glowing on the edge of the horizon, and everything is kind of messy and kind of complicated. imagine everything feels like too much and i wish to flick off my mind like a lightswitch and i listen to dreamy music and it makes me feel a little more alive and i have held my own hand a thousand fucking times and considered pulling myself back off the edge but i didn’t do any of that because i am under siege by a monster and i do nothing to stop it. i am under siege by a monster and i want to tell you all the ways you’re beautiful but how can i tell you you’re beautiful when i can’t say it to myself and mean it? and how can i tell you to let go when i can’t even let go because i see cliffs in the flatlines of my heartbeat as i drift slowly, slowly, slowly to sleep and i’m not gonna check because i’m tired of it always being sometime after midnight. i’m tired of how i cannot find okays even in the starlight. i’m constantly falling, and sometimes i imagine that the sky is, too, because it makes me feel less lonely. and i know i should apologize for all the things i’ve called myself. but… right now, i don’t want to.

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