i am on a rollercoaster that only goes up. i am on a rollercoaster and i will make mountains rise from my fingertips and i will goddamn make something out of myself. i will mould statues from my sweat blood and tears and yeah i’ll probably watch as they collapse. and i’ll watch as my organs flake apart. and my lungs puncture. because i don’t know how to breathe and i can’t do this and. i’m not sure whether i can handle this. and i’m not sure whether or not i can do this without something collapsing. this is a suspension bridge and right now all i know is that i’m the first person to ever have walked it and everything is wobbling. i am on a rollercoaster that only goes up, only i’m not sure how true that is. and i’m not sure when you’ll leave, but i know you’ll run. i know you’ll run, and when you do i will know in that moment that every word you say is true. i am on a rollercoaster and i’m not prepared to fall again. because it hurts, and i’m not prepared for this because my mind is an open wound. i am on a rollercoaster trying to tape together the broken pieces of ceramic but they’re slicing me to pieces but please. don’t look at me. don’t look at me. don’t tell me that i’m covered in scabs because last night at 1a.m. i had a breakdown. don’t tell me there are crack lines scattered across my cheeks and i look like a broken doll or something. please. because i am a rollercoaster and i can feel my blood sugar crashing, but somehow i’ve got myself convinced this is happy making mountains out of molehills because that’s all it is, really. because it’s just a meal. just a stomach sore from exercise but somehow it feels more right than anything. i am a rollercoaster and the past is the wolf at the door and i don’t know what i can do to keep it away. i am on a rollercoaster and goddamnit. please. just. get this over with. just deal with it. i am on a rollercoaster wrapping my arms around my fractured heart as i’m collapsed like a train wreck on the floor. i am on a rollercoaster and i’m staring up at the skylight trying to catch the slightest fractures of the stars, stabbing in through the tears in my eyes. because for a moment, they make me feel loved. accepted, i guess. like everything i am is all right. even though it isn’t.
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