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trigger warning: slight suicide mention

my therapist tells me that i’m addicted to feeling sad. which isn’t honestly that surprising because most days, it’s hard to even tell what the truth is which is another thing frequently discussed in our sessions. my therapist tells me it’s time to stop being addicted. my therapist tells me punching myself is essentially another form of being a smoker, and that i need to quit. not because it hurts. but because punching does not help in any way to deal with the underlying issue, whatever that is. my therapist tells me my thoughts are mine and for all the times anxiety lied to me, i was only ever in control of this. and i don’t have to think anything i don’t want to.  and that sometimes my thoughts aren’t even true. and it’s honestly hard to believe. that i’m in control of what i do. that maybe my future could be more than crying on the couch, my tears soaking in through the fabric because even though nothing’s actually happened it feels like my whole life is falling apart right now. my therapist tells me that if i can write whole novels and maintain websites i should be able to do this. i should be able to tear apart the walls of myself just to rebuild them and put in insulation cleaning out all the lies i don’t need anymore and throwing them all in the garbage. my therapist tells me it’s all right to cry. my therapist tells me what harm reduction is and i know it’s just my head but does that mean it’s ok to punch myself if it’s that or cutting myself which means i can just keep punching myself because it’ll always be better than seeing a confirmation notification pop up in my mind and hitting continue because it’s not depression i promise but right now i just don’t know what else to do. my therapist tells me i’ll still be someone beyond my sadness and that it’s ok to let go of some of this baggage. my therapist tells me i can do this, and for the first time in a long time, i believe her. just a little bit.

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