untangle hair. wash my skin clean again so i can try to draw the one thing on my arms that will make it all feel okay again. blue costco ballpoint pen. and it’s been ages since i’ve slept like a normal person. and the sky starts to bend and twist and the pain bores into me. slowly, slowly, slowly. and i wouldn’t go back but i miss going slowly. i miss sleeping. i miss sleeping like i had all the time in the world. and i wish it didn’t have to be about marketing. and i wish that your eyes could just not be so broken and maybe then you’d actually see me. maybe you’d get it. and i wish you understood that i have feelings and i wish you respected them. and i wish i didn’t keep having nightmares because all of my nightmares are always about standing there. and every part of me is exposed. and you see me as everything i am my flaws becoming sink holes. and i can’t breathe because… you’re gonna hate me, right? because honestly, sometimes. i look in the mirror, i can’t tell what you see in me. and i know i’m supposed to be better than this at holding myself together but i don’t know what i’m supposed to tell myself to make it all better. but i don’t know what i’m supposed to do with myself to make these words matter. but i don’t know what i’m supposed to tell you to make it all better. and you say you want to live in a cabin in the woods but close to a city and with a good internet connection where we could bury ourselves in blankets and hide away from the world forming shelters with our arms so nothing could hurt us anymore. no one could be the earthquakes through our skin anymore. no one could make us lie awake at night feeling this broken anymore. and the stars would sing us to sleep at night, and we would sleep at night. and unwind the broken coils inside our minds. and maybe someday, we’d open up the locked boxes of sadness in our chests and make sense of this.
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