and i’m terrified of the day you’ll tell me i’m needy. tell me you can’t take it anymore because i’m just too much of a human being. because some days i have to sing my heart lullabies so i don’t call your name out a thousand times. and it would be nice if things could stop changing because i know it’s small and some would call it nothing, but i feel like i’m drowning. needy. and please don’t leave me alone. please ask me how i’m doing. i’m sorry if sometimes i can be smothering, i’m just scared of you leaving. and so i listen to love songs, and i try to imagine the singer is singing all those words to me because it’s too much to imagine someone i know loving me. loving me like hands stretched out into the void. loving me like stars through the weight of the darkness. and every time you text me it’s hard to believe you care about me like this. and i honestly don’t really know how to process half it. and it’s a tsunami rising up inside me, making everything more complicated. it’s typos and messages i didn’t mean to send. and i’m trying to scrub mantras into my skin. trying to sing myself to sleep. the server crashes. my therapist says i’ll never be controlled and that i am not a selfish person and that i have enough light to keep myself going if only i knew how to process that. and i want to make you happy but i’m afraid the feeling will leave me as i forget how to trust anybody. i’m afraid you see me differently if you know everything and my instincts say this night might swallow me and it’s just hard sometimes. to close your eyes and not listen to anything but the sound of my breathing.
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