another bad night – a poem

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trigger warning: suicidal thoughts. if you need to talk to anyone, find a helpline in your area by clicking on the word here.

loud angry music echoing through my head because if i let my headphones do the screaming for me maybe i’ll be all right. loud angry music and all the kind things you’ve said reverberating reverberating reverberating through my head. my mind feels empty but it’s nothing new anyway, but right now i guess it kind of feels that way. loud angry music like i can drown the thoughts out if i just turn the volume up. turn the volume up. just a little louder than it is. like i can numb out my mind if i just make it run a little bit farther. a little bit farther. a little bit farther. and the shouting echoes through my head. just a little bit louder. urge to punch myself crackles through me; lightning and electricity and what am i supposed to do help me. and my therapist tells me it’ll pass but she’s not here in my head right now. she’s not here in my head right now wondering if this is the last time i’ll feel all right. wondering when the shards of broken will stitch themselves into my skin. wondering which self attempted open-heart surgery will fix me. if any of them will fix me. if i’m really right in what i’m doing. if i really know what i’m doing anyway. if i’m just going to be laughing at myself in ten years because the future is unpredictable and there’s no weather forecast up and the wifi is down and all the servers have crashed i’m alone in my brain with nothing to pull it back off me back off me right now. i’m a train wreck, and i try to sort the pieces by colour, or by number, or anything that will assemble them into a picture. it’s another bad night, but it feels like it might mean something more. it’s another bad night, and it’s either an end or a start. it’s another bad night, and none of the fragmented thoughts in my head really make sense. it’s another bad night and i stay awake because i’m not good enough until  i can bench-press the sky again. because that’s what my future looks like. day after day. on deadline. which i guess is ok. i guess it’s ok. and i guess i’ll find a way to deal when it comes to that time if it comes to that time if i’m a good enough to be wanted by anybody that way. it’s another bad night. and i’m scared of the damage that this will do to my heart because i don’t need any more work here right now, thank you i’ll oass that’s ok. it’s another bad night, and it will pass. it will pass. it will pass. even if it isn’t the last time i’ll feel this. it’s another bad storm and someday, i’ll figure out how to clean up this mess. it’s another bad night. and the voice might be so loud it shatters the windows. but i’ll deal with this.

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