june 24, 2019


it’s way too late and everything smells like toxic chemicals to me. my eyes are slipping closed and everything is foggy and i need to brush my teeth sometime before midnight preferably, but it smells like emptiness to me. it’s summer vacation and i swear i’m acting like it’s fine but it scares me. it scares me. my chest is collapsing around my heart and i’m not going to see you for a while and i’m going to be all alone in the exhaustion all over again. and by exhaustion, i mean sometimes i’m fine but sometimes i just sort of feel like collapsing on the floor and crying for everything that’s happened since the first time i told someone i wanted to die. and cry because it’s getting better but it also hurts like fucking hell so much of the time. and cry because i don’t understand which thoughts are real and which thoughts are lies. and cry because it’s way too late, and everything is silent but not with my headphones on. and i can’t stop thinking about how the world could explode in an instant because that’s all it takes. one person with a button. and i’m scared to tell you how i feel because it’s like prying a wound wide open somehow because honestly i only know how to function when there’s someone holding my hand drilling kind words i never knew existed into my head except it never works because i’m not a construction project. it’s way too dark in these walls and the shadows. i swear they dance, and sing, and call. and i wish i could even begin to process the fact that none of us deserved this. none of us deserved our broken minds and the things they call us and our smiles stifled by the fact that we know they will fall. it is late at night, and my skull threatens to crumple with the weight of what the past has taught me to expect but i’m not letting it fall. it is late at night and self-sabotage smells like burning hair salted tears and all alone. and i wish i could just reach over and lift away it all. maybe not forever. just for a while. because it would be so much easier if this were just a book. with neat endings. and some plot holes so i could crawl through them to the other side of the stars and maybe for a while we could live there, and give each other superpowers. and hide away from the world.

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