Copy rejection

where i have “*****” it’s me censoring out my real name. just read it in your head as “eliza” or “emma” or something. 😉

every time i get rejected, the first thing that goes through my head is that i was too different. too different, as in there are some things that scare me so much i’m kind of sugarcoating myself in blankets just to avoid the burn of their eyes. because their eyes are boring into me and i can’t breathe i can’t breathe i. can’t. breathe. i’m falling apart and i need to stop laughing off my feelings, like i can numb away the pain with a couple needles and a couple syllables, but i’m addicted to the way in the moment, all the colours kind of melt together as they do when you’re half-asleep, and i guess you could say that 5p.m. feels pretty much the same as midnight. i write everything i hate about myself on paper and scribble on it and rip it to pieces, and i imagine that that’s enough to get rid of it. but it doesn’t really help much beyond that moment and maybe that’s because i never really believed it. every time i get rejected, i think maybe i take it a little bit better, but maybe that’s just me, burying the pain so i don’t have to face it. because i still get whiplash from the impact of the fact that in whatever way you saw the clearest part of me i know and i still wasn’t good enough. because i wasn’t good enough. because i wasn’t strong enough, or tall enough, or maybe i made too many mistakes in a row, and maybe i should just bury myself down under all this collateral damage and stay there and ***** you know most people wallow in their sadness and never communicate their feelings and never get better. and other people are normal, and why can’t you just be neat and tidy and can’t you just look like them and can’t you just care about how you look and can’t you just never fail because then you’d never hurt and you know most people are fine and no one will love you if you’re always feeling things stop feeling things ***** stop writing depressing poetry. stop telling other people about the thoughts inside you because you’re only making it worse anyway. and *****, why can’t you be yourself more because most people are ok most people don’t ever get rejected most people aren’t trying why don’t you just stop trying why don’t you just collapse on the ground and stop thinking anything. your brain is made of lead and everything is collapsing *****. did you really think you were good enough for anything?

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