it’s kind of humiliating

it's kind of humiliating(2)

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

it’s easier to think about when i don’t think about it at all. because the memories are a tidal wave. because the memories are splattered all across me like bright. red. paint like all the things i should have said and didn’t and i didn’t say it but i should have said it because my past will never live up to my present. and my exhaustion is so endless and i can’t help this because the only time i feel safe in my own skin is when it’s dark out because it has to be perfect. because despite all the times i’ve told myself i’ve improved the honest truth is that i can’t handle the idea that i’m wrong about any of this. and i can’t handle the idea that no matter how furiously i tried. no matter how many times i’ve watched myself fall i will never be better than the person i thought i would become. and i’m sorry if i’m not perfect i was only trying to be perfect and maybe i failed at that. and maybe i failed a lot of things. and maybe i was silly, and childish, and maybe i was awkward, and maybe i was just goddamn broken. maybe i was the broken puzzle piece in a box full of logic and happiness or maybe just some kind of normalcy and maybe i wasn’t meant to exist like this. maybe i’m just an alien, drifting through the sky wondering why i can’t fit in and maybe the best thing would just be for me to die. and it’s kind of humiliating, because ever mistake i make is really just a secret passageway for the monsters to get in inside me and i’m slamming my fists against my thighs because i can feel my heart beating in my chest and it sounds a little like footsteps and get it away because i am disgusted by the idea of being alive today.

if you need to talk to anybody about whatever you’re going through, find a crisis line in your area here. if you relate to this poem, i want to say that despite all the times it feels true… you are not weird, ugly, or disgusting in what you are going through. you are strong. i know we’ll both probably forget that come the end of today… but i hope we both realize that someday.

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