warning: swearing, exhaustion, loneliness

the soft light rubs my eyes to sleep. the words have carved me right through and my mind has been hollowed empty. i am the remnants of burnt down forests and tree stumps. i am rotten pieces and empty stomachs. i am nights on five hours of sleep. i am spinning and spinning and spinning and no matter how fast the world gets it’s killing me because you’re hurting me. but you don’t know you’re hurting me because you’re broken too and we are all broken too and the notifications keep rolling in like updates from a war, but it’s a war i don’t fucking want to fight anymore. and what if you win? what if no matter how many midnights i work straight through just trying to get the job done it’ll never really mean anything? and i want to be surrounded by people but i also just want to make you leave me now i want. i want. i want. i want to build myself up and then collapse myself all over again. i want to sleep right through the morning like a goddamn fucking normal weekend person. like a goddamn fucking person who can fit into the world like it goddamm fucking is. but that’s not how it is. and i want to make all of these sounds just cut out to silence. except the silence feels honestly more like emptiness. and i can’t meet your eyes because every time i see your pupils my skin starts to crawl somehow and i can picture every single one of my organs slowly emptying out of my chest because you define me and you live inside me and you control me and because i’m not good enough for you except it’s mostly in my head but it doesn’t matter. because my eyes are closing in exhaustion. and i’m gone already. and i guess it feels a little like flying or maybe drowning, but it’s hard to tell the difference to tell the difference sometimes. and i guess it feels a little like the part of me that is me is shrinking, and shrinking, and shrinking. i’m crumpled paper. i’m hands letting go of each other. the empty crevasse of a future. and the reason i’m afraid to close my eyes is that i’m kind of scared without my accomplishments as the dark creeps in, i’m nothing inside.

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