patronus (edited version)

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

i should probably tell you there’s a dementor in my head / i created it from the well of hopeless that feels like a lake when you fall into it / and i want you to go until you’re gone / and then i’m drowning in a river of silence / there’s a dementor / i sleep with / breathes like bass cello  / and i know you want to know the truth when you ask me how my day went / but i don’t fucking know / because i believed / all the lies i could quickly inject into my veins / because nothing else felt true but / inside i’m so far away it feels like a movie i’m watching twenty feet away / the things i feel / the things i say / i should tell you /  the dementor / is not the best teddy bear / but it’s the only thing tonight that feels like safety / i should tell you / i’m drowning / i should tell you / that there’s a dementor in my head / and i know you would tell me learn how to cast a patronus / but i don’t want to / but i’m scared / but it’s a part of me / but don’t touch me / don’t get anywhere near me / don’t tell me you know me / don’t tell me / no / tell me everything that sounds like safety / because i’ve dissected myself so deeply that i don’t know what my soul would even look like anymore / & harry’s patronus / doesn’t even keep the darkness at bay forever anyway / the therapist / i only see on a walk in basis / always tells me / to be stronger / ties flimsy / guy wires to my fingers / like that’s actually enough to keep the black hole away from me / i should tell you that the memory of you is already melting into my history / i should tell you taking advice / feels like letting some stranger take remote control on your computer / i told her / i think i learned when i was younger / freeze yourself over and get some ice skates / get on your jacket / tough it out and get goddamn stronger / and maybe you didn’t even mean it like i heard it / but those words are still tattooed into my forehead / i think i learned that / beating the dementor / back with your fists / into a box of metal / it’s easier / than letting someone in / and don’t let them in they’ll just adjust the heating like it’s that simple or that easy / but hey as long as you’re the victim / you can’t be the monster / and maybe that’s why i keep hurting myself on purpose just to make sure /and while we’re at it i should probably tell you that i can’t stop thinking about what if we’re just a bunch of dust flecks shuffling around our little space rock playing universe / & what if it doesn’t matter / what if / a part of me / it doesn’t want to die exactly / it’s not that there aren’t things that make me happy / it’s just i don’t care and i can’t seem to grasp the concept that my heart is not a punching bag / and i’m not even sure i should try because what if it turns out everything i thought i knew about myself / was a lie / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just /  i’m that island / in the south pacific / they all say is gonna get buried in water / and i’m stumbling around an empty room / and i swear the whole world is spinning / and i can’t breathe / and i’m collapsed against the kitchen counter / and there’s a part of me that’s numb to everything / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just / i’m tired / and sleeping this out sounds / really nice /  it’s just i wanna / press pause on my life / i wanna wade through a river where the water rinses away the past and leaves me with the quiet sunrise of the future / and nothing hurts / and nothing can hurt me / i want to see if the grass is greener / because i’ve been told they have flowers / i’ve been told flowers will make me feel prettier / i’ve been told flowers are good at getting rid of monsters / i’ve been told the grass is greener / and why  / can’t / i get there?

keywords: poetry blogs wordpress, poetry blogspot, poems and blogs, poetry blogs best, best poetry blogs on wordpress, free poetry blogs, blogs for poetry writers, good poetry blogs, poems in blogs, popular poetry blogs, sad poetry blogs, poetry blogs to follow, poetry writing blogs, poems about depression and anxiety, poems about depression and death, poems about depression and self harm, poems about battling depression, poems describing depression, depression poems that don’t rhyme, harry potter, dark poems depression

spoken word recording is here.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s