the first therapy session

trigger warning: depersonalization, feeling lost, self-hatred

i am a student and i don’t understand and when i was eight i remember thinking that what i wanted to do with my life didn’t matter because i didn’t have to act on it and i would always be in control of my decisions and therefore able to inflict as much suffering upon myself as i wanted and nothing could stop me and when i was nine i remember clenching my fists and drawing walls up around myself so no one could touch me and it’s amazing how all it takes to fall apart is one little drop of poison and i don’t know how other people think but can you show me how to be happy. and can you just tell me what’s a good thought and what’s a bad one. because i just… don’t… understand… can you just tell what i’m supposed to think now but please make sure it’s the kind of thing i’d think and please don’t take me away from me and please don’t make me another person and please don’t take away my choices and the words keep ricocheting like stray bullets through my skull i will believe anything you say so i will plug my ears sometimes because my opinions are porcelain hell not even porcelain because i’m blinded by my desire for approval and can you just reach inside my heart and let me get over it i’m a mess curled up inside my arms and what i’m trying to say is that every minute seems spinning and disconnected puzzle peices ripped apart and disjointed flashes of colour but it doesn’t really make sense and it’s hard to breathe and it’s all kind of a mess bleeding splatterpaint colours on the walls clawing down the cage of my skin like if i push hard enough i’ll crack it open and were they right when they told me this would make it better because the wicked lanterns burning through my skin did promise me that

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