on trying to figure out who i really am

trigger warning: anxiety, confusion, low self-esteem

note: wherever there’s a string of asterisks, it’s because in the original poem on my google docs, there was my name, but, i don’t want to put that up on the internet, so: asterisks. i mean, come on, i have a blogger mystique to maintain!

today we watched / this documentary about multiple personality disorder and if i heard right i think they told us that when we’re younger, everyone kinda has multiple personalities, but as you get older those personalities coalesce into one / is this why old people are usually opinionated and boring? because / i don’t want to be opinionted and boring because / then no one will love me then no one will want me then / i will be sitting on the corner of the sidewalk with a sign on my lap saying LOVE ME and you will walk past me, and i will be crying inside / i will be the skeletal dandelion coming up in the sidewalk, leaves turning grey in the wind, desperately trying to flower bright enough to convince the world of its beauty because it did nothing wrong / i mean to my knowledge i did nothing wrong except for being a bad person / because i am walking a tightrope and one word is all it takes to make everything collapse from the way it used to be / i am floating in a vacuum i am floating in a void / and you don’t understand i am successful i will be successful i must be successful or i will hate me / and if i am successful i don’t need help / i don’t need extensions and i can beat your deadline / i can always do better than everyone else / i can dull the stress down / i can stay awake all night / i refuse to be normal / i refuse to not understand / i refuse to send you a two-word email / that only reads HELP ME / i am successful and if i fail i will no longer be good enough / i am successful and if i fail my self-esteem will shatter on the ground and i’ll be a messed up maze of metallic heartstrings and broken bones / if i fail / you don’t get it / if i fail / my mistakes are sinkholes / my mistakes have been highlighted a thousand times over my mistakes have been apologized for so many times in a row that i can’t even meet your eyes anymore / and you don’t understand / your tripped-on-my-shoelaces-oh-well-let’s-get-up-again / is my broken bone / my wrong word is enough to land me in hospital for weeks on end / my compulsions have me in their iron grip like kidnappers and they are not letting go / they are not letting go… / my hands are not meant for throwing punches they meant for holding hands but what if no one wants to hold my hand and i get angry sometimes / your successes are your mountains /and somehow you know how to close your eyes / bask in the sunlight / try to melt your worries like ice /  like if i climb enough mountains inside me like / if i buy enough lottery tickets sold to me by my anxiety / someday / i will win what it promised me except anxiety does not keep its promises that is the whole fucking definition of anxiety / and ***** why can’t you sleep like your body wants you to / it’s only one night / you need to rest sometimes / and why can’t you just / try fighting / try not letting yourself get swept away into your mind / just try / but / how do you try / when you’re numb inside / and it’s hard to breathe / and there’s something that’s tackling your whole body / have you ever wondered / what it would be like to try and walk across the universe without stopping / because that’s me / because / i am drifting / through this rainstorm / of nothing and everything at the same time / i will shape my personality all i want / is for someone to just promise me they will love me / always / unconditionally / i will mold myself to your eyes / i will do anything / anything / anything / inside / i am standing in a monsoon and everywhere i am flooding / i am starving / skin and bones a tent meant for summer that’s been left out in the snow / my metal skeleton crumpling in on itself / here is my heart / will you love me for it anyhow / here is my voice / and here is a keyboard write whatever you like on me / the lonely / is a parasite / and i think it’s trying to kill me

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