oh god

trigger warning: oodles and oodles of social anxiety, mentions of compulsively picking at yourself, self-hatred, use of blood as a metaphor

and i’m like hey and / anxiety is like / is my hair a flyaway mess today / is my skin covered in scabs i gouged out of myself hoping to dull the water of constant worry / do i smell sweaty because i have been running from my nightmares since the moment i woke up today / can they tell that this is the cardigan i wore yesterday / can they tell i feel like i’m drowning inside my own body / and then i’m like / oh my god is someone gonna judge me /  is someone gonna think i’m crazy / is someone going to punch me / is someone gonna hate me / is someone going to make me hate me / is someone going to laugh at me / am i alone in the world / do they think i’m crazy / oh my god is someone gonna shatter the fragile layer of seran wrap covering up the cracks in my resolve to fix myself / can you see the numbness in my eyes / the bruises on my thighs i inflict upon myself / the nights without sleeping enough / oh god i’m sorry / and then anxiety is like / god you’re a mess / god you need to fix yourself / don’t be so much of a mess / dumping your feelings on others like their hearts are disposable / god you’re such a manipulator / learn to listen a little better / except i can’t listen because anxiety is like / what if i make a mistake today / what if i trip and fall down another sinkhole it’ll take months to dig myself out of / my brain splattered with bloodstains / and i’m like / don’t be stupid / you’re smarter than you were then / you’re smart enough not to make someone else think you’re stupid / smart enough not to cry / smart enough not to let them in / the worry is sanding my hope away / is this shirt pretty / oh god / i’ve been worrying too much now i’ll be sweaty / do my thighs look weird / i am the awkwardest kind of curvy / does it matter anyway? / could you just fucking give me a list of everything that will make you hate me / and then i’m hiding in the bathroom because this conversation was too scary / and then anxiety is like / do i look naive / do i sound naive / do i look immature / do i look fat / do i look ugly / is someone judging me / can anyone see how i’m looking around trying to understand / everybody around me / trying to jump into your head so i can reassure myself i am not alone in this no matter how much it feels that way / because it feels that way / i just want someone who notices me / and then anxiety is like / oh god that’s the fifth time i’ve used the wrong word today / wait what if they actually like me / but they like the wrong me / but they like the fake me / oh my god do i want friends / do i want them to actually like me / am i trying too hard / am i trying too little / is my hair frizzy / is there someone who spends the seconds i am gone laughing at me / like i laugh at people some days / not because i hate them just because / just because / it’s just teasing / just because it makes me feel a little more okay / i should chill out / i should be calm / i should be a better person / i should be okay / and then i’m hiding behind a library bookshelf peeking out at a world i cannot participate in / and i’m like / i don’t want to be teased / i don’t want to be unnoticed / i want to be perfect / i want to be everything / oh god what do you say when i’m / gone oh god / i’m breathing too fast / shaking little / flimsy tree branches / for arms / cut-and-pasted / fragments of a personality / scrambled around like one of those smoothies / and then anxiety is like / do i need to eat less / am i disgusting / do i make your days worse by being in them / am i a horrible person i feel like a horrible person / i am so fucking sorry give me a second my brain is screaming / except when i close my eyes all i feel is the presence of another person burning into me / why the hell aren’t you breathing / the alone is driving me crazy / my arms are shaking / like there’s something in my soul / that’s breaking / you asked / why i like writing / & i told you / it’s the only part of me that knows how to scream without hurting anybody / and then i’m staring in a mirror and i’m like / oh god am i gonna be too weak to bear the burden of today / oh god am i gonna break / i am balancing buckets of water on my shoulders wondering when the tipping point will slam into me and shatter all these remnants of my broken dreams / oh god / can i even listen to you / without collapsing / i’m a weak brick building three centuries old / all i needed to fall apart / was your hand / and all it needed to do / was touch me

keywords: high school poetry, teen poetry, upcoming writers, emerging writers, emerging poets, poetry blogs, best poetry blogs, most popular poetry blogs, internet poetry, emotional poetry, free write, free write poetry, goldfish and the microphone, goldfish & the microphone, mental health, growing up with anxiety, general anxiety disorder, insecurity, body image issues, mentally ill, mental health issues, mental health awareness, writing blogs, poetry blogs, best poetry, beautiful poetry, emotional poetry

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