another poem that you’ve never read before! the text is also up here. and my spoken word recording (for those of you who don’t know, it’s basically me reading aloud a poem) is here. um, this poem is pretty intense. aka, talks about feelings of depression and having suicidal thoughts. so… trigger warning.

the pain / i guess it’s easier / than the echoes of your golden laughter / or maybe not laughter / maybe just smiling / maybe just stargazing / maybe just something that doesn’t leave this time / the echoes of your golden laughter work their way through my veins and why do i find it so hard to just let you laugh / why do i find it so hard to just let you be happy / why do i find it so hard to listen to you without comparing myself / why do i feel like such a mud-puddle rock-bottom cliché / and how come you never laugh when laughter is supposed to mean gliding over my skin with your ice skates / and why does communicating through myself feel like screaming through a foot of snow / there’s a dementor in my head / i created it from the inky-dark shadow-thick well of hopeless that feels like a lake when you fall into it / and i want you to go until you’re gone / and then i’m swimming / through a river of silence / there’s a dementor / i sleep with / breathes like / bass cello  / and you call me brave right before i go / and i know / that’s how it seems / i know you want to know the truth when you ask me how my day went / but i don’t know / i don’t know / i don’t know / i believed / all the lies i could quickly inject into my veins / because nothing else / felt true /  i know i approach you / with a smile on my sleeves it’s because for a moment it feels true / it’s just / inside i’m so far away it feels like a movie i’m watching six feet away from the tv / the things i feel / the things i do / the things i say / i should tell you /  the dementor / is not the best teddy bear / but it’s the only thing tonight that feels like safety / i should tell you / i’m drowning / i should tell you / that there’s a dementor in my head / and i know you would tell me learn how to cast a patronus / but i don’t want to / but i’m scared / but it’s a part of me / but don’t touch me / don’t get anywhere near me / don’t tell me you know me / don’t tell me i know me / don’t tell me / tell me everything / please tell me everything that sounds like safety / because i’ve dissected myself so deeply / that i don’t know what my soul / would even look like / and what if my patronus looks like a monster / what if i drown / in all that / bright white light / & harry’s patronus / doesn’t even keep them / away from sirius black / forever anyway / this anxiety / it’s like / fog encasing me / making everything look / sort of shaky / sort of blurry / this anxiety / i don’t think / anyone knows it’s / burying me / this anxiety / would you even understand it / if i didn’t communicate it / using harry potter references? / maybe i’m making this all up anyway / maybe i’m just crazy / the therapist / i only see on a walk in basis / always tells me / to be stronger / ties flimsy / guy wires to my fingers / like that’s enough to keep the black hole / away from me / i should tell you that the memory of you is already melting like an iceberg in my brain leaving only a couple footprints and some traces and even they will soon be washed away / i should tell you taking advice / feels like letting someone take remote control on your computer / i told her / i think i learned when i was younger / freeze yourself over and get some ice skates / get on your jacket / get stronger / tough it out / shut up i’m busy / and maybe you didn’t even mean it like i heard it / but those words / they’re still tattooed into my forehead / i think i learned that patronuses / involve yelling too much / i think i learned that / beating the dementor / back with your fists / into a box of metal / it’s easier / it’s easier / it’s easier / than letting someone in / and don’t let them in they’ll just adjust the heating like it’s that simple / like it’s that easy / don’t let them touch you / don’t let them touch you / don’t let them touch you / as long as you’re the victim / you can’t be the monster / don’t be the monster / don’t be the monster / am i just the villain? / am i just the loser? / maybe i don’t deserve your time / maybe i don’t deserve to get better / what if it’s not worth bothering to dig myself out of the quicksand in my heart / just below the trapdoor / i keep crawling into / on purpose to make sure / make sure / make sure / what if we’re just a bunch of dust flecks shuffling around our little space rock playing universe / & what if it doesn’t matter / what if / a part of me / it doesn’t want to die exactly / it’s not that there aren’t things / that make me happy / it’s not that i don’t get happy / it’s just i forget / it’s just i don’t care / it’s just i can’t seem to grasp the concept that my heart / is not my punching bag / and i’m not even sure i should try because what if it turns out / everything i thought i knew about myself / was built on pain / i don’t want to fall again / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s more like / the dementor has cast an ocean of voices around me / and i’m that island in the south pacific / they all say is gonna / get buried in water / it’s just / why bother / it’s just / i’m stumbling around an empty living room trying to find the bathroom / and i swear the whole world is spinning / and everything is a rippling mirage down the highway / dancing notes of music and the echoes of your laughter through my veins / and i can’t breathe / and i’m leaning against the kitchen counter / my personal gravity becoming so strong it feels like it’s trying to compact me / i still can’t breathe / there’s a part of me that’s numb to everything / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just / i’m tired / and sleeping / this out sounds / really nice / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just / i wanna / press pause / on my life / i wanna wade through / a river / where the water rinses away the past and leaves me with the quiet sunrise of the future / and no one is anywhere near me / anywhere near me / and nothing hurts / and nothing can hurt me / i want to see if the grass is greener / because i’ve been told / they have / flowers / i’ve been told / flowers / will make me / feel / prettier / i’ve been told / flowers  are / good at / getting rid of monsters / i’ve been told the grass is greener / why / can’t / i get there?

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