daze

these days, it all seems to blend together like different colours of paint on a pallette, congealing into brown and grey. and the sun streams through my bedroom window, but i don’t have time to go out today. i come home tired, and i wake up worse. i scroll through my phone, and i waste my time away, then stay up ‘til midnight in a panicked daze. yeah, these days i don’t know what i’m going to do next. what my life is going to look like in a year. these days my feet ache, and my back is sore, and every success makes me wonder when i won’t be able to do this anymore. and i walk slow around the halls of my childhood home, trying to memorize every creak in the floor. ‘cause you hate it ‘til you’re already standing halfway out the door. i lie awake ‘til two and i can’t get to sleep. i hope it mattered to somebody, i hope there’s at least one person’s life i’ve improved. these days i spin around my mind,  ‘cause i’m just terrified i’ll lose you too. i go to school. i go to work. i close my eyes and let it fade. i watch each second pass in the clock on my computer, and i wonder if i’m wasting away. i get my bed all nice and made. try to smile at the little things, and look on the bright side. it’s just another one of those days.

i hope it matters

when i’m done with this bullshit, when i walk out of the room

when the weeds take over the garden

all the flowers i planted just yesterday

when they lay me down, eighty, ninety years from now

in a world i don’t recognize, in a world that’s never really changed

i hope that it mattered.

when the words i’ve written seem rotten, and old

when i get lost between the lines

when i scream into pillows, when i turn the headlights on, and cry while driving home

when i walk away for good

i hope it mattered, to someone

i hope it did some good among the bad 

i hope it made someone laugh

i hope it made them feel okay

i hope it helped, in the tiniest little way

when i’m done, when it’s over,

when there’s nothing left to say

when my shoulders ache, and my arms hang

like aching tree boughs

when i sink to my knees in despair

i hope it feels like a weight off my back

like the first breath of fall

when it’s okay, when it’s over

i hope i walk into the forest

i hope i drop my compass and i lose my string

i hope the crows eat up the breadcrumbs

that lead you back to me

i hope it wasn’t just for nothing

hope the good memories linger stronger than the bad ones

but if they don’t, then i guess that’s just

how it’s gonna be

and when i’m older, when i’m wiser

when my feet are firmly planted in the dirt,

and when my sails stretch out across the sea

i hope that for all

of my failures and inadequacies

i hope that they’ll forgive me

i hope that the memories stick around, at least a couple weeks

like a stain you can’t remove, like

like the smell of christmas morning

the first time that someone called you love

and you were smiling, the whole car ride home

i hope i tried, however poorly

i hope i fucked up, a million times

i hope i did you justice, darling

i hope that for years, you look at those flowers

and you think of me in the pouring rain

planting seeds in the dirt, and cursing it all

i hope that strangers don’t need to know my name

i hope they don’t tell me that i’m perfect, that i can never

do wrong

i hope i get lost a million times

but whatever i do, however small

i hope it matters

another drop the bucket, another cloudy day

i hope it lingers in the rain, and when it’s ready

it’ll all just wash away with the tide, and i’ll be okay

when it does

and if i did a good job

then it’s never really gone


I think I’ll submit this somewhere, it’s too important to me to just sit here, maybe get seen by a couple of people. This is more of an externalized (is that a word???) monologue. Something I have been saying to myself for the past couple of years, whenever everything feels hopeless, or hard, and whenever it doesn’t turn out how I planned. I hope it matters, to someone, to anyone, even if it’s only myself. I have been sick and really tired all week, but I’m starting to feel better and now suddenly have all this crazy creative energy in my head that just wants to escape, so who knows where that’s going. Maybe somewhere, maybe nowhere. I’ve been stuck at home with mostly just my thoughts, so I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting.

dreams

i’ve got dreams that ache like honeycomb

i’ve got a heart that’s in too deep

standing in the ocean, water up to my knees

trying to find my direction

trying to get out of this, god, please

i’ve got dreams like pressed flowers

staining book pages, crumbling in my palms

i’ve got dreams that feel more like curses

like i’m tantalus, sitting in my fucking pond

i’ll stare up at the fruit trees, i’ll lust after the water

and the second i reach, it’s gone

i’ll self-sabotage, bury my head in the sand

just trying to do what’s right

i guess i’ll just make a future out of sailcloth, and forget

to sew over my pins

i guess i’ll smile, and nod, forever be in flux

i’ll change faces like the moon, and i’ll hide behind the sun

‘cause i’ve got dreams like birthday balloons

sagging plastic on the floor

i’ve got dreams that ache like open sores

stubborn scars across my palm

a memory of idealism, long since fucking gone

i’ve got dreams that taste like lavender

and go down like wildfire smoke

dreams like steamed milk lullabies

curdled to the touch

i’ve got dreams so bright they’re blinding

i’m standing barefoot in the rain

and looking up at the sky, hanging to raindrops by fraying lines of thread

it’s not much

but i don’t let go just yet

i feel it all

i light a fire out the backyard

in the freezing cold

i watch the coals sizzle and whisper quiet words of rage

i take an ice cold shower on  a frozen day

and i shiver all morning, coughing and sneezing

and making a mess

bitch and moan about how the world will never be the same again

i scroll through my phone and i feel it all

like an arrow through my chest, i bleed and i cry and i live it again

wake up early, and stay up late

i put my soul into these words and i throw them all away

‘cause i don’t know if i can keep going for one more fucking day

i talk about honesty through my pretty brave face

and i don’t tell you the truth because i’m scared you’ll walk away

i smile and nod, and i sob through all the tissues on the car ride home

i crawl inside my head, and don’t let myself out for weeks on end

i try to help and i fail, again, again, again

i pray to something that i don’t believe in

i call you on the phone

i go to the beach in the pouring rain

i scream until i haven’t got even a whisper left to go

and then i walk down the highway, all the way home

wash my jeans and go to sleep

and try to hold myself gently; hold on and don’t let go

‘cause things are changing and i’m not ready

to stay up crying on my own

starving

my heart’s been a black hole / since i was just a little kid  / i’ve been sweeping up breadcrumbs, and holding onto flowers long after they’re dead / my heart’s been hungry for even the slightest scraps of affection / so i scrubbed the floors and i brushed my teeth, and i bent over backwards / just in case you couldn’t take me standing up / just in case i went too far, just in case i said too much / just in case you see me now, and i’m not so nice to the touch / i’ve been holding people’s hands just a bit too tight / and tugging on sweaters til they started to run / i’ve chased you halfway down the highway / asphalt burning at my feet / and vacuumed-sealed my fury / to be opened up at some later date  / i’ve been sitting by the faucet with a paper tongue /  couldn’t take my eyes off you all night / cause if i lose track of you in the chaos / then i know you’ll forget about me / ‘cause my best chapter is probably just a footnote / in your history / i’ve been starving for something i can’t even name since i was just a little kid / broken fingernails cracked lips, i’m thinking this is how it ends / i’m thinking hold your breath and swallow / when she tells you it’s all just pretend, she didn’t mean it / she never did / and it’s all well and good until you’re / just a little bit too much / i filled up your cup until it overflowed / and who’s got time for that shit / i know / i know / i know